Whoa Nelly!

Shut Up.
Shut. Up.
SHUT. UP!

I hate those words.. but Nelly needs to hear them sometimes. At least I thought she did. She tends to be very negative and seems to take great pleasure in pointing out all of my flaws (even when they aren't *really flaws). She whispers in my ear like a fly buzzing around on a hot summer day. She screams deafeningly when I'm particularly anxious or worried about something I'm working on or something that I've done. She is not someone I'd consider a friend, but she is *always with me.

Allow me to introduce you to Nelly.

Does she look familiar? Yea.. She does. That's because Nelly is my inner critic.. that "voice of reason" that tends to overreact and make mountains out of molehills (or flat ground in many instances).
Nelly of course has *always been with me.  She didn't get a name or an "identity" until several years ago.  I didn't think she deserved a name, a "face." I didn't want to give her that kind of energy.  One day though, I realized that she was already taking SO much of my energy with her constant nagging and belittling and bullying ways.. her voice was getting louder and louder and more and more constant.  So, she got her name.. and identity..

Nelly is the epitome of Nellie Oleson

I found that with a name and a face, Nelly was suddenly easier to "speak" to.  I was more able to tell her to be quiet, to stop telling lies, to leave me alone.  But, she never did stop whispering her lies or pointing out even the smallest of flaws.  She never was completely quiet.
Then came my first breakthrough with Nelly February of 2015. I was at the end of a Shrink Session workout by the amazing Erin Stutland (you can find her with a simply Google search if you'd like - She. Is. Amazing.), and while doing some quick punches.. I imagined myself punching Nelly. Right in the nose. Kinda mean, but I did.. and then, when we were cooling down and manifesting thoughts and beliefs, I just wanted to HUG Nelly!! I realized that bullies really only bully because they want to feel like they belong.. they bully because they aren't included and loved like those that they bully.. (are you still following?). So, seeing as Nelly Is ME, I realized that I need to LOVE her.. I need to love even the mean, spiteful, critical, bully parts of me so that I can wholly HEAL those parts of me. 

*whew*
I've spent the last year trying to be kinder to myself, to the Nelly part of me.  Most of the time, she's kinder also.  But still, Nelly continues to point out every little thing I worry about..

Your hair isn't smooth enough.. there's some fuzzy spots that need to be slicked out.
Don't forget your make-up. People don't want to see the imperfections in your skin.
Make sure your pants are hiding your jiggly belly. *gross*
DON'T SAY ANYTHING! People will think you're ridiculous.
I can't believe you let your kids have unlimited access to their electronics.. EVEN when they don't help with chores.. Good grief, other parents do a better job PARENTING.

Why are you sitting on the couch when there is laundry to do and dishes in the sink?

Nelly. Is. Not. Nice.

This morning, while doing another Shrink Session workout, I had another breakthrough.  It's a BIG one.  I realized a deep down fear that has been keeping me from completely embracing Nelly, from completely embracing ME - whole and complete and empowering LOVE for ME.

I am afraid of being truly SEEN and possibly criticized.. by letting Nelly "bully" me, I am keeping myself on the sidelines and out of the line of fire from others.. all (or at least mostly) imagined of course. I am afraid that I will be criticized and judged by others and that I will not be able to handle it, that I will cry in front of others and *then be criticized more for being a crier.. (I am a crier, but I kinda like to keep that to myself.. *sigh* I shouldn't be ashamed of FEELING things deeply though). I'm so worried and afraid of what others think of me that I've allowed Nelly to be the voice of all those imagined criticisms I fear.  I have paralyzed myself from fully becoming ME with these irrelevant criticisms..  The RATIONAL part of me knows that what others think of me shouldn't define me. That deep down fear that Nelly holds onto is very crippling.. but I now know what is going on.  I have broken through the door to the root cellar and am better able to understand Nelly.

Nelly is trying to protect me.
But, now I understand why.. so we can overcome and grow.