Breaking Down

This momma's heart is hurting. I witnessed my son break down last night in the midst of out-of-control tics. It also broke me.. and brings tears to my eyes still today.

Loud yells.. attempting to muffle by keeping his lips pressed tightly together..
Pacing along the back wall of the kitchen..
Banging the trashcan lid.. dirty campfire forks poking out of the sink.. the counter..
Almost a growl as he tried to regain control..

*inhale*
*exhale*
*blink.back.the.tears.momma*

I can't even begin to imagine what it felt like to be inside of his body last night.. to be inside of a body that you can't control.. to have a voice that you can't control..
It was hard to see him struggling so much.. to see him sitting in defeat on the couch.. still trying to muffle the yells through pressed lips.. tears falling..

http://www.larrypatten.com/2013/10/24/tears-part-2/setwidth600-angel-tears-medium2/

*damn.tears.again*

All I could do was wrap him in my arms. I held my son while his tears fell on my shoulder.. trying to keep my tears from falling on his shoulder.. All I could do was hug him and wait for it to ease up.. wait for it to pass.

*tears.prickling*
*again*

I'm aching for my child.. for the struggles he faces with these uncontrollable tics..
I'm hurting for my child.. as he deals with people who don't understand.. and especially the people who don't care to understand.. and even more so, the people who say they understand, but really don't understand anything at all..
I'm scared for my child.. for the unknown of what is to come..

And I'm Angry. I'm angry because I can't make this go away. I can't FIX this for him.
I can't Make everyone "get it." I can't stop people from mocking and mimicking him. I can't stop the tics.  I can't even slow them down except by throwing medication at him and hoping the side effects aren't too awful. I can't do Anything but hug him and love him and pray and hope.. which are all thing that I know are Huge for him.. but feel like Nothing to me. It's not enough for ME. I'm angry that I can't do more.

*damn.it*