little t

I was not abused or neglected.

I was not bullied and did not bully others (at least, I don't think I did.. if I did, it certainly wasn't intentional..).

I have God in my life.. I pray often and see Him in those around me.

I have lots of aquaintances I refer to as friends and an overflowing handful of very dear friends. I don't mind being around people and enjoy a good conversation. I am a talker.. and a hugger.. and try to see the best in people.

I am one member in a huge family of well over one hundred. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, parents and sisters, brothers-in-law, neices and nephews, and all those branches in my family tree that have extended family in them, but they are all simply aunts and uncles and cousins.. my husband and three children. There is more love than I could ever express.

I was encouraged and supported growing up and still am today. I had many opportunities to experience quite a lot in my generally sheltered small-town life. I have had a variety of jobs from our local grocery store at 15 years old to waitressing, little attempts at home businesses with rubber stamps and children's books, stay-at-home mom and daycare provider, office assistant.. and now dog groomer. Through it all, my family and friends have been by my side to help me out and cheer me on and bounce ideas off of.

I have a very good life.
I have a very good family.. all of them.
I have a very good group of friends.

Even with all of this.. I struggle.
Not always. Not every day. But..
Even with all that I have..
All that I'm thankful for..
I have moments.. days, weeks even, where the incessant whispers in my head won't quiet.

Reminding myself of all the good in my life doesn't quiet the negative whispers telling me how I've failed.. how I don't measure up.. how I'm too weak to speak up for myself. They are vicious and relenting whispers like gnats annoyingly buzzing around my head..


And I feel guilty for struggling. For all the "reasons" above, I feel guilty for not just being happy and content. I feel like I have no reason to struggle.. that I shouldn't struggle.. but I do.

And because of that I hide my struggle from most everyone, or at least I have tried to. In truth, I've felt a lot of shame for struggling. So I smile and laugh and try to ignore the whispers and distance created by those lies.. and I have tried so hard to never let it show.
Maybe it's "nothing".. maybe I'm just being dramatic about it.. or maybe those are just more whispered lies. Someone once told me it doesn't always take big T Trauma for there to be a problem. Sometimes it's little t trauma that may not seem like much at first, but it festers. So, I'll be making some calls and see what's going on, if anything, and I'll go from there with support from all of the special people in my life.