End the Stigma

Depression isn't a choice people make.

Nobody wants the negatives to be so overwhelming. Nobody wants to feel lost and disconnected and hopeless. Nobody wants to be depressed.
All of the wonderful and loving and positive aspects of life are still there. They are known and appreciated. Focusing on them isn't enough.. and sometimes can deepen depression.. because, YES! There is so much to be happy about.
And still.. There is struggle.
Depression is a chemical imbalance, a disorder in the brain. It isn't a choice.

Getting help is a choice. Seeking help to gain the tools needed to re-wire negative thought patterns and working damn hard each day, each hour sometimes, to break the negative circuit, to identify the lies whispered by inner critics and replace them with truths, is a choice. Facing setbacks and continuing the work is a choice. Learning to recognize patterns of negative thoughts to be able to be proactive and consciously work to not let the negatives become overwhelmingly huge.. That is a choice.

Last June I reached a place of.. defeat?. resignation?. I reached a place where I knew something needed doing. In truth, I'd forgotten about my last post here.. last June. It's been nearly a year since I've written a new post. I made some calls. Okay, I made one call and was basically hung up on when the receptionist learned what insurance provider we have. It took me several months to make another call.

I have been seeing a therapist since my last birthday.
I have learned a lot about myself.
I continue to learn and to face insecurities and to redirect the negative voice that whispers.
I have victories.. and setbacks.. and breakthroughs.

I am blessed with an amazing family and an extra large extended family. My childhood was nurturing and loving. I've found my way to a job I enjoy and feel good about. I have some very dear friends who mean the world to me.
So. Much. To. Be. Thankful. For.
And I am.

And, I struggle with depression and anxiety.
And I have struggled for many, many years while trying to hide it out of shame because I felt I didn't have any reason to be depressed. I tried to "fix" myself on my own until I just couldn't do it anymore.
And then I began to understand that I didn't choose to feel so badly about myself, and that depression doesn't mean I'm not simultaneously thankful for everything in my life.

**Even as I type this.. whispers are swirling and my stomach is in knots.. "You're just an attention-seeker." "Put a stop to the pity party." "You're making a mountain out of a molehill." 
And this is why I share my story.. because "hiding" it reinforces the "shameful" feelings. This is my story.. everyone has a story to share.

I am so very thankful for so many people and experiences and moments in time.
And.
I struggle with depression.

little t

I was not abused or neglected.

I was not bullied and did not bully others (at least, I don't think I did.. if I did, it certainly wasn't intentional..).

I have God in my life.. I pray often and see Him in those around me.

I have lots of aquaintances I refer to as friends and an overflowing handful of very dear friends. I don't mind being around people and enjoy a good conversation. I am a talker.. and a hugger.. and try to see the best in people.

I am one member in a huge family of well over one hundred. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, parents and sisters, brothers-in-law, neices and nephews, and all those branches in my family tree that have extended family in them, but they are all simply aunts and uncles and cousins.. my husband and three children. There is more love than I could ever express.

I was encouraged and supported growing up and still am today. I had many opportunities to experience quite a lot in my generally sheltered small-town life. I have had a variety of jobs from our local grocery store at 15 years old to waitressing, little attempts at home businesses with rubber stamps and children's books, stay-at-home mom and daycare provider, office assistant.. and now dog groomer. Through it all, my family and friends have been by my side to help me out and cheer me on and bounce ideas off of.

I have a very good life.
I have a very good family.. all of them.
I have a very good group of friends.

Even with all of this.. I struggle.
Not always. Not every day. But..
Even with all that I have..
All that I'm thankful for..
I have moments.. days, weeks even, where the incessant whispers in my head won't quiet.

Reminding myself of all the good in my life doesn't quiet the negative whispers telling me how I've failed.. how I don't measure up.. how I'm too weak to speak up for myself. They are vicious and relenting whispers like gnats annoyingly buzzing around my head..


And I feel guilty for struggling. For all the "reasons" above, I feel guilty for not just being happy and content. I feel like I have no reason to struggle.. that I shouldn't struggle.. but I do.

And because of that I hide my struggle from most everyone, or at least I have tried to. In truth, I've felt a lot of shame for struggling. So I smile and laugh and try to ignore the whispers and distance created by those lies.. and I have tried so hard to never let it show.
Maybe it's "nothing".. maybe I'm just being dramatic about it.. or maybe those are just more whispered lies. Someone once told me it doesn't always take big T Trauma for there to be a problem. Sometimes it's little t trauma that may not seem like much at first, but it festers. So, I'll be making some calls and see what's going on, if anything, and I'll go from there with support from all of the special people in my life.

Overflow

burning eyes

puffy and telling

just when the tears slow

a thought rushes in to start them

overflowing again

don’t listen

don’t listen to the voice’s lies

don’t believe those whispers

but they persist

the voice continues to whisper

faults and failures

shortcomings and missed moments

whispered repeatedly 

lies that begin to feel real

and the tears spill out

bottled up until they overflow

burning eyes

puffy and telling

don’t believe those whispered lies

Mannequin

"The mannequin there, throw some clothes on her and there ya go."
With a snarky chuckle he was so amused with himself.. I was so deeply hurt for the young girl beside me, and I hoped with all my heart that she didn't catch the comments, hoped that she'd toned out the conversation happening at the table next to us while scrolling through Instagram..

Last August I met a brave young girl from the other side of the planet. I'm sure she felt like she was in a different world coming here into small town America from high-rise urban China.  She was my friend's family's newest exchange student.. a shy and quiet girl who, as we all later learned, battled an inner critic like many of the rest of us. She had fears and insecurities she brought with her from home and couldn't find the way to communicate them while navigating this new environment and trying to adjust to a completely different way of life.

Three months ago I joined my friend as we saw her off on her long journey home after celebrating the Chinese New Year together.

Three months and that overheard comment still makes me cringe.. and has made me think a lot about being a "mannequin".. A mannequin frozen in fear of the what ifs and wonderings that those inner critics are so talented at whispering repeatedly, uncomfortable in the very skin she wears, unsure in social situations, feeling so very unSeen and completely unKnown, and overanalyzing what to say and especially what has already been said.  I've had "mannequin" moments myself.  I know at least one of my children has had moments also.  I am sure many have.

To all the Mannequins who read this ~ You are not alone in your feelings. You are seen, and there are people who want to know the true and authentic You. Keep your eyes open to those souls that are reaching out to you.  Be Brave and confront your fears, acknowledge your fears and lessen their power over you. Be gentle with yourselves as you become YOU and shed the mannequin shell. It's not easy, and there will be moments that make you want to step right back into that shell.. mannequin skin in much stronger than human skin. Speak Life to yourself. Speak Love to yourself.  Seek out those who bring encouragement and strength and a patient listening ear to your life.

To a dear girl in China ~ I'm so very glad to have known you. You helped me to grow and encouraged me (unknowingly) to quiet my endless flow of words so that you might be able to speak some of your own. Spread your wings and fly..

Whoa Nelly!

Shut Up.
Shut. Up.
SHUT. UP!

I hate those words.. but Nelly needs to hear them sometimes. At least I thought she did. She tends to be very negative and seems to take great pleasure in pointing out all of my flaws (even when they aren't *really flaws). She whispers in my ear like a fly buzzing around on a hot summer day. She screams deafeningly when I'm particularly anxious or worried about something I'm working on or something that I've done. She is not someone I'd consider a friend, but she is *always with me.

Allow me to introduce you to Nelly.

Does she look familiar? Yea.. She does. That's because Nelly is my inner critic.. that "voice of reason" that tends to overreact and make mountains out of molehills (or flat ground in many instances).
Nelly of course has *always been with me.  She didn't get a name or an "identity" until several years ago.  I didn't think she deserved a name, a "face." I didn't want to give her that kind of energy.  One day though, I realized that she was already taking SO much of my energy with her constant nagging and belittling and bullying ways.. her voice was getting louder and louder and more and more constant.  So, she got her name.. and identity..

Nelly is the epitome of Nellie Oleson

I found that with a name and a face, Nelly was suddenly easier to "speak" to.  I was more able to tell her to be quiet, to stop telling lies, to leave me alone.  But, she never did stop whispering her lies or pointing out even the smallest of flaws.  She never was completely quiet.
Then came my first breakthrough with Nelly February of 2015. I was at the end of a Shrink Session workout by the amazing Erin Stutland (you can find her with a simply Google search if you'd like - She. Is. Amazing.), and while doing some quick punches.. I imagined myself punching Nelly. Right in the nose. Kinda mean, but I did.. and then, when we were cooling down and manifesting thoughts and beliefs, I just wanted to HUG Nelly!! I realized that bullies really only bully because they want to feel like they belong.. they bully because they aren't included and loved like those that they bully.. (are you still following?). So, seeing as Nelly Is ME, I realized that I need to LOVE her.. I need to love even the mean, spiteful, critical, bully parts of me so that I can wholly HEAL those parts of me. 

*whew*
I've spent the last year trying to be kinder to myself, to the Nelly part of me.  Most of the time, she's kinder also.  But still, Nelly continues to point out every little thing I worry about..

Your hair isn't smooth enough.. there's some fuzzy spots that need to be slicked out.
Don't forget your make-up. People don't want to see the imperfections in your skin.
Make sure your pants are hiding your jiggly belly. *gross*
DON'T SAY ANYTHING! People will think you're ridiculous.
I can't believe you let your kids have unlimited access to their electronics.. EVEN when they don't help with chores.. Good grief, other parents do a better job PARENTING.

Why are you sitting on the couch when there is laundry to do and dishes in the sink?

Nelly. Is. Not. Nice.

This morning, while doing another Shrink Session workout, I had another breakthrough.  It's a BIG one.  I realized a deep down fear that has been keeping me from completely embracing Nelly, from completely embracing ME - whole and complete and empowering LOVE for ME.

I am afraid of being truly SEEN and possibly criticized.. by letting Nelly "bully" me, I am keeping myself on the sidelines and out of the line of fire from others.. all (or at least mostly) imagined of course. I am afraid that I will be criticized and judged by others and that I will not be able to handle it, that I will cry in front of others and *then be criticized more for being a crier.. (I am a crier, but I kinda like to keep that to myself.. *sigh* I shouldn't be ashamed of FEELING things deeply though). I'm so worried and afraid of what others think of me that I've allowed Nelly to be the voice of all those imagined criticisms I fear.  I have paralyzed myself from fully becoming ME with these irrelevant criticisms..  The RATIONAL part of me knows that what others think of me shouldn't define me. That deep down fear that Nelly holds onto is very crippling.. but I now know what is going on.  I have broken through the door to the root cellar and am better able to understand Nelly.

Nelly is trying to protect me.
But, now I understand why.. so we can overcome and grow.

"Go Kill Yourself"

What the _____ is WRONG with the world that a frequent response to anger, frustration, hatred, No Reason even is to tell someone to "Go KILL Yourself."??
A young man tonight was told to go kill himself... over a game.. over a Joke in a GAME.
A young lady is told to go kill herself because the other girls just don't like her.. no better reason than that.. they don't like her, so she should kill herself.
Example after Example can all to easily be found in the news, online..

Online.. <shaking my head here> It's so EASY to type something out.  It's so EASY to send a nasty message to someone without having to actually SAY IT face to face.  It's so EASY to let emotions run the fingers and not give a Single Thought to the consequences of sending those words.
"Go Kill Yourself."
What the _____ is going on?

To anyone who has Ever been on the receiving end of those words, listen to these instead:
You Matter.
You Are LOVED. You are LOVED by SO many people.
You are a Valuable member of society.
You have something special to give the world.
You. Matter.
(Reread those lines until you Believe them. Every. Word.)
Please don't let the horrid suggestion echo through your head.  Please don't shut yourself off from the people who love you. Please Reach Out and Talk to those people. Please. Please don't listen to those BULLIES who are hiding behind a computer screen. You deserve SO much more than what they suggest. Please PLEASE speak up and Scream if you have to to be heard.. Keep speaking.  Make Someone listen.
You. Matter.

To anyone who has ever told someone to "Go Kill Yourself":
SHAME ON YOU.
Shame on you for ever Suggesting that someone end their life.. that someone cut short their time on this earth.. that someone leave their family and loved ones to grieve.
Shame on you.
Let your mother see what you are sending your peers.. let your Grandmother see it.. What if YOUR child someday gets that message from a bully? WHY do you think this is okay??
PLEASE take a good long time to Really THINK about what you are suggesting by sending those three Awful words. Please realize that the person on the receiving end of those words Just MIGHT actually do as you suggest.. Please realize the PAIN that could engulf the family and loved ones left. Please Never EVER throw those words at another human being. Ever.

I am so ANGRY right now. I just don't understand how a person could be so cruel.

What the _____ is going on?

Weight of a Scream

*screech* 

*SCREECH*

*SCREEEEECH*

our ears ringing

his throat throbbing

*SCREECH*

*SCREEEEECH*

trying not to react

not to flinch with each 

sharp 

ear-splitting

*screech*

trying to show

it doesn't bother me

trying to show

it's fine

hoping he knows

he can relax

not stress

not worry

be calm

breathe

*SCREEEEECH*

*SCREEEEECH*

*screech*

silence

then

a

sobbing breath

glancing to see

head bowed

tears falling

*screech*

*sob*

a back rub

a gentle hug

redirecting focus from

*screech*

to music

closed eyes

moving fingers

a musical melody

to lift the weight

of a scream