Nobody wants the negatives to be so overwhelming. Nobody wants to feel lost and disconnected and hopeless. Nobody wants to be depressed.All of the wonderful and loving and positive aspects of life are still there. They are known and appreciated. Focusing on them isn't enough.. and sometimes can deepen depression.. because, YES! There is so much to be happy about.
And still.. There is struggle.
Depression is a chemical imbalance, a disorder in the brain. It isn't a choice.
Getting help is a choice. Seeking help to gain the tools needed to re-wire negative thought patterns and working damn hard each day, each hour sometimes, to break the negative circuit, to identify the lies whispered by inner critics and replace them with truths, is a choice. Facing setbacks and continuing the work is a choice. Learning to recognize patterns of negative thoughts to be able to be proactive and consciously work to not let the negatives become overwhelmingly huge.. That is a choice.
Last June I reached a place of.. defeat?. resignation?. I reached a place where I knew something needed doing. In truth, I'd forgotten about my last post here.. last June. It's been nearly a year since I've written a new post. I made some calls. Okay, I made one call and was basically hung up on when the receptionist learned what insurance provider we have. It took me several months to make another call.
I have been seeing a therapist since my last birthday.
I have learned a lot about myself.
I continue to learn and to face insecurities and to redirect the negative voice that whispers.
I have victories.. and setbacks.. and breakthroughs.
I am blessed with an amazing family and an extra large extended family. My childhood was nurturing and loving. I've found my way to a job I enjoy and feel good about. I have some very dear friends who mean the world to me.
So. Much. To. Be. Thankful. For.
And I am.
And, I struggle with depression and anxiety.
And I have struggled for many, many years while trying to hide it out of shame because I felt I didn't have any reason to be depressed. I tried to "fix" myself on my own until I just couldn't do it anymore.
And then I began to understand that I didn't choose to feel so badly about myself, and that depression doesn't mean I'm not simultaneously thankful for everything in my life.
**Even as I type this.. whispers are swirling and my stomach is in knots.. "You're just an attention-seeker." "Put a stop to the pity party." "You're making a mountain out of a molehill."
And this is why I share my story.. because "hiding" it reinforces the "shameful" feelings. This is my story.. everyone has a story to share.
I am so very thankful for so many people and experiences and moments in time.
And.
I struggle with depression.
