Whoa Nelly!

Shut Up.
Shut. Up.
SHUT. UP!

I hate those words.. but Nelly needs to hear them sometimes. At least I thought she did. She tends to be very negative and seems to take great pleasure in pointing out all of my flaws (even when they aren't *really flaws). She whispers in my ear like a fly buzzing around on a hot summer day. She screams deafeningly when I'm particularly anxious or worried about something I'm working on or something that I've done. She is not someone I'd consider a friend, but she is *always with me.

Allow me to introduce you to Nelly.

Does she look familiar? Yea.. She does. That's because Nelly is my inner critic.. that "voice of reason" that tends to overreact and make mountains out of molehills (or flat ground in many instances).
Nelly of course has *always been with me.  She didn't get a name or an "identity" until several years ago.  I didn't think she deserved a name, a "face." I didn't want to give her that kind of energy.  One day though, I realized that she was already taking SO much of my energy with her constant nagging and belittling and bullying ways.. her voice was getting louder and louder and more and more constant.  So, she got her name.. and identity..

Nelly is the epitome of Nellie Oleson

I found that with a name and a face, Nelly was suddenly easier to "speak" to.  I was more able to tell her to be quiet, to stop telling lies, to leave me alone.  But, she never did stop whispering her lies or pointing out even the smallest of flaws.  She never was completely quiet.
Then came my first breakthrough with Nelly February of 2015. I was at the end of a Shrink Session workout by the amazing Erin Stutland (you can find her with a simply Google search if you'd like - She. Is. Amazing.), and while doing some quick punches.. I imagined myself punching Nelly. Right in the nose. Kinda mean, but I did.. and then, when we were cooling down and manifesting thoughts and beliefs, I just wanted to HUG Nelly!! I realized that bullies really only bully because they want to feel like they belong.. they bully because they aren't included and loved like those that they bully.. (are you still following?). So, seeing as Nelly Is ME, I realized that I need to LOVE her.. I need to love even the mean, spiteful, critical, bully parts of me so that I can wholly HEAL those parts of me. 

*whew*
I've spent the last year trying to be kinder to myself, to the Nelly part of me.  Most of the time, she's kinder also.  But still, Nelly continues to point out every little thing I worry about..

Your hair isn't smooth enough.. there's some fuzzy spots that need to be slicked out.
Don't forget your make-up. People don't want to see the imperfections in your skin.
Make sure your pants are hiding your jiggly belly. *gross*
DON'T SAY ANYTHING! People will think you're ridiculous.
I can't believe you let your kids have unlimited access to their electronics.. EVEN when they don't help with chores.. Good grief, other parents do a better job PARENTING.

Why are you sitting on the couch when there is laundry to do and dishes in the sink?

Nelly. Is. Not. Nice.

This morning, while doing another Shrink Session workout, I had another breakthrough.  It's a BIG one.  I realized a deep down fear that has been keeping me from completely embracing Nelly, from completely embracing ME - whole and complete and empowering LOVE for ME.

I am afraid of being truly SEEN and possibly criticized.. by letting Nelly "bully" me, I am keeping myself on the sidelines and out of the line of fire from others.. all (or at least mostly) imagined of course. I am afraid that I will be criticized and judged by others and that I will not be able to handle it, that I will cry in front of others and *then be criticized more for being a crier.. (I am a crier, but I kinda like to keep that to myself.. *sigh* I shouldn't be ashamed of FEELING things deeply though). I'm so worried and afraid of what others think of me that I've allowed Nelly to be the voice of all those imagined criticisms I fear.  I have paralyzed myself from fully becoming ME with these irrelevant criticisms..  The RATIONAL part of me knows that what others think of me shouldn't define me. That deep down fear that Nelly holds onto is very crippling.. but I now know what is going on.  I have broken through the door to the root cellar and am better able to understand Nelly.

Nelly is trying to protect me.
But, now I understand why.. so we can overcome and grow.

"Go Kill Yourself"

What the _____ is WRONG with the world that a frequent response to anger, frustration, hatred, No Reason even is to tell someone to "Go KILL Yourself."??
A young man tonight was told to go kill himself... over a game.. over a Joke in a GAME.
A young lady is told to go kill herself because the other girls just don't like her.. no better reason than that.. they don't like her, so she should kill herself.
Example after Example can all to easily be found in the news, online..

Online.. <shaking my head here> It's so EASY to type something out.  It's so EASY to send a nasty message to someone without having to actually SAY IT face to face.  It's so EASY to let emotions run the fingers and not give a Single Thought to the consequences of sending those words.
"Go Kill Yourself."
What the _____ is going on?

To anyone who has Ever been on the receiving end of those words, listen to these instead:
You Matter.
You Are LOVED. You are LOVED by SO many people.
You are a Valuable member of society.
You have something special to give the world.
You. Matter.
(Reread those lines until you Believe them. Every. Word.)
Please don't let the horrid suggestion echo through your head.  Please don't shut yourself off from the people who love you. Please Reach Out and Talk to those people. Please. Please don't listen to those BULLIES who are hiding behind a computer screen. You deserve SO much more than what they suggest. Please PLEASE speak up and Scream if you have to to be heard.. Keep speaking.  Make Someone listen.
You. Matter.

To anyone who has ever told someone to "Go Kill Yourself":
SHAME ON YOU.
Shame on you for ever Suggesting that someone end their life.. that someone cut short their time on this earth.. that someone leave their family and loved ones to grieve.
Shame on you.
Let your mother see what you are sending your peers.. let your Grandmother see it.. What if YOUR child someday gets that message from a bully? WHY do you think this is okay??
PLEASE take a good long time to Really THINK about what you are suggesting by sending those three Awful words. Please realize that the person on the receiving end of those words Just MIGHT actually do as you suggest.. Please realize the PAIN that could engulf the family and loved ones left. Please Never EVER throw those words at another human being. Ever.

I am so ANGRY right now. I just don't understand how a person could be so cruel.

What the _____ is going on?

Weight of a Scream

*screech* 

*SCREECH*

*SCREEEEECH*

our ears ringing

his throat throbbing

*SCREECH*

*SCREEEEECH*

trying not to react

not to flinch with each 

sharp 

ear-splitting

*screech*

trying to show

it doesn't bother me

trying to show

it's fine

hoping he knows

he can relax

not stress

not worry

be calm

breathe

*SCREEEEECH*

*SCREEEEECH*

*screech*

silence

then

a

sobbing breath

glancing to see

head bowed

tears falling

*screech*

*sob*

a back rub

a gentle hug

redirecting focus from

*screech*

to music

closed eyes

moving fingers

a musical melody

to lift the weight

of a scream

Breaking Down

This momma's heart is hurting. I witnessed my son break down last night in the midst of out-of-control tics. It also broke me.. and brings tears to my eyes still today.

Loud yells.. attempting to muffle by keeping his lips pressed tightly together..
Pacing along the back wall of the kitchen..
Banging the trashcan lid.. dirty campfire forks poking out of the sink.. the counter..
Almost a growl as he tried to regain control..

*inhale*
*exhale*
*blink.back.the.tears.momma*

I can't even begin to imagine what it felt like to be inside of his body last night.. to be inside of a body that you can't control.. to have a voice that you can't control..
It was hard to see him struggling so much.. to see him sitting in defeat on the couch.. still trying to muffle the yells through pressed lips.. tears falling..

http://www.larrypatten.com/2013/10/24/tears-part-2/setwidth600-angel-tears-medium2/

*damn.tears.again*

All I could do was wrap him in my arms. I held my son while his tears fell on my shoulder.. trying to keep my tears from falling on his shoulder.. All I could do was hug him and wait for it to ease up.. wait for it to pass.

*tears.prickling*
*again*

I'm aching for my child.. for the struggles he faces with these uncontrollable tics..
I'm hurting for my child.. as he deals with people who don't understand.. and especially the people who don't care to understand.. and even more so, the people who say they understand, but really don't understand anything at all..
I'm scared for my child.. for the unknown of what is to come..

And I'm Angry. I'm angry because I can't make this go away. I can't FIX this for him.
I can't Make everyone "get it." I can't stop people from mocking and mimicking him. I can't stop the tics.  I can't even slow them down except by throwing medication at him and hoping the side effects aren't too awful. I can't do Anything but hug him and love him and pray and hope.. which are all thing that I know are Huge for him.. but feel like Nothing to me. It's not enough for ME. I'm angry that I can't do more.

*damn.it*

A Stranger's Smile

Dear Crossing Guard,

My children don't attend the public school. My children aren't among the many that you help safely across the highway each morning.. but I see you at your corner on my way to work. I've seen you every school morning for the past several years.

Overcast mornings..
Rainy and snowy mornings..
Sun-shiny mornings..

Blustery cold winter mornings..
Crisp autumn and spring mornings..
Steamy hint-of-summer mornings..

You are there waiting for the children to come to your corner. You greet them all with a smile before they continue on to school. You are a bright spot in their day.. I'm sure of it.
I'm sure of it because you are a bright spot in my day. I look forward to catching my own quick smile and wave from you as I pass by also.

There are mornings that we don't catch each other's eye. There are mornings that you are busy with the children.. but there are mornings that I pass by when you are waiting.. and those are the mornings we share a smile and a wave. I'm not sure you realize just how much I've come to look forward to this quick exchange in my morning. I'm not sure you realize just how much that smile and wave mean to me.

Your smile and wave lift my spirits.  On mornings that don't go as planned, mornings that are filled with grump and chaos at home, your smile and wave calm me.  On mornings that I'm feeling sluggish or melancholy, your smile and wave are like a warm hug.  On mornings where all is 'right' with life, your smile and wave brighten my morning even more. Every morning I look forward to sharing a smile and a wave with you. Every morning. Your smile and wave brighten my day.

Thank you, Crossing Guard.
Thank you for helping countless students safely across the highway each day. Thank you for offering your smile to them.. and for offering me a smile and wave as I pass.
Thank you for being a bright spot in the world.

sweet girl

i knew it right away

and still

i messed up

i should have stayed silent
should have taken a breath
should have stopped
should have taken a moment to calm myself
but the words spilled out

missed connections 

distance that i wish was not there

oh sweet girl 

close to my heart but far from my arms

those moments on repeat
going over them again and again
i know what to do
what not to do
promises made to myself
promises to you

i yearn to wrap you in my arms

sweet girl

to show you my love

to heal the hurt

you bring such joy

i wonder if you realize

just how much i treasure

laughter bubbling up and overflowing

radiance shining from your smiling eyes

warmth in your contented presence

contagious reach of your carefree spirit

but the words spilled out

you did not hear my love

only the critiques

i should have stayed silent

should have taken a breath

oh sweet girl

i messed up

and i am so sorry

again

you are precious

you are loved

you are perfectly you

you are enough

you are

Plucking Prickles

My sweet P-nut recently turned ten and has struggled for a while with finding his lost spark.. My silly and inquisitive discoverer has been filled with discouragement and doubt.. He brought me some wisdom well beyond his ten years a few mornings ago. Wisdom that has stayed with me.. and I am so very thankful he shared his insight with me.

A little back story first:
I stumbled across this quote online several moths ago. At a time with my boy was spending most of his days grumpy and easily thrown into tantrums, it was the perfect tool to help him let go of the anger and frustrations. I tucked this little nugget away.. and it wasn't long before I first made the suggestion to a very unhappy boy.
That first time I told him to stop sitting on the cactus he cracked up. The anger was gone. I can't remember the crisis of that moment, but I will always remember the look on his face as he registered what I'd said and then the giggle that spilled from him. It has lost some of that "instant fix" effect as time has passed.. and during a particularly deep moment of despair, we talked a little more about that darned cactus. I spoke with him about how his anger is a little like him holding a cactus in his hand and squeezing it tighter instead of letting go of it.. Of course that's not something most people would do.. squeeze a cactus.. It makes much more sense to let go.

Back to that insightful morning:
P-nut was getting very angry with Holy-In-A-Mood big brother. I bit my tongue hoping they'd work it out, but when it was clear that the frustration was only escalating, I called P over and suggested that he just keep some distance between them. The anger continued to bubble out of my boy.. and again, I told him to get off the cactus. When he hid around the door frame, I backed out of the room, booty stuck out, with my hand pulling a 'cactus' off.. that made him chuckle despite his grump. He left to finish getting ready for school but came back after just a few minutes. He then told me something that I will never forget.

"Mom, you know how you said it's like I squeeze the cactus in my hand.. Well.. sometimes when I let go, the prickles are still stuck in my hand."
<cue light-bulb>
I told him that the same thing happens to me.. and that is when we have to take a breath and pull those prickles out also. I thanked him for sharing that with me.. told him it was a very wise thought.. and I got a big bear-hug and an "I love you."

We're going to find his spark again.. a little more each day.. my silly and inquisitive discoverer is shining through more and more.

It shouldn't surprise me anymore that there is a reason for all things.. but it still does. I realized right away that I am guilty of letting 'prickles' continue to bother me after I've let go of my own cactus. I never realized just how many prickles I've got stuck in my hands though. When things don't work out like I think they should, when my vision of "perfect" isn't happening, I start squeezing that cactus.. and I haven't ever really taken the time to pull out those darned prickles that have been left behind. Each time "perfect" doesn't happen, I get irritated from the OLD prickles along with the NEW ones!!

Time to pull some prickles..