Tic Tic WOOO!

Our days are filled with "Wooo"s and screeches and a variety of other sounds.  At times, we are caught completely of guard - the sudden, loud "WOOO" can be a bit startling.  Other times, we can almost predict that it's coming.. we just aren't sure exactly which exclamation it will be.

My dear TS son is nearing his fourteenth birthday. He is just about half way through eighth grade.. My baby, half way through eighth grade.. it doesn't seem possible.
Basketball practice.. Puberty.. School stresses.. Holidays and birthday excitement.. His tics are in rare form lately.  Frequent.. and Loud..

In a new development this last week, there have been word tics.  Words that are not curse words.. but words nonetheless.. generally repeating what he has heard.. and my heart breaks for him.  My fears for what could come have been racing through my mind.

After helping out in the school cafeteria today, I stood for a little while in the middle school hallway.  I wanted to hear him for myself.. I wanted to hear what the teachers continued to describe to me..
     "almost constant"
     "very loud"
     "screeches when it's quiet"
     "can hear him through the walls.. in the hall"
I should explain here that his teachers are doing exactly what they need to be doing with respect to my tic-y child.. They continue on as if nothing out of the ordinary is going on.  They don't bring extra attention to the noises.  They have allowed for breaks from the classroom, music to help focus, extra reading time.. They are doing what they can.  His classmates have been amazing.. standing up for him with substitutes who don't seem to understand, ignoring his noises (for the most part anyway.. some just make a person giggle a bit), treating him just like everyone else.  They are doing what they can.
And, I stood there in the hallway. I stood outside of his classroom, for just a few minutes, listening to exactly what I'd been told.

I honestly was a little surprised.. There was a large part of me that wanted to believe the teachers were all exaggerating..  I don't think of his tics as "almost constant" at home.. Loud, yes. Sudden and startling in quiet moments, Yes. But "almost constant," no.. I mean.. frequent.. but not "almost constant."  He has his moments where the tics are very present, but there are also plenty of relatively calm moments also.

I probably don't notice some of his tics though because I'm so used to it.  The noises and such are just part of who my boy is..

There, of course, were also other observations..
     "different tics in different classrooms.. is that normal?"
     "we know he can't control it.. but sometimes it seems.."
*sigh*
Honesty again.. I don't always know what is a tic and what isn't.
So, I ask.  I ask, and he tells me..
And while I was standing there in the hallway, I wondered myself just how much of it was actually tics and how much of it was my son the clown getting away with extra noise.. and just thinking that, and now typing it, makes me feel like a horrible parent.
The 'nature of the beast' is that some of his tics look and sound intentional.. even though they aren't.

On the one hand, I'm so glad that he feels comfortable enough, safe enough at school to be himself.  I'm thankful that he feels secure enough to tic freely.  I'm so appreciative that he isn't worried about being made fun of.
On the other hand.. School is a place to learn, and his almost-constant heard-through-the-walls tics are making that hard on everyone.  He is missing out on instruction because he's ticing.. His classmates are missing out on instruction because his tics are so loud.. Other classes are distracted because they can also hear his tics..

And this momma's heart hurts.. and prayers are going up all day..
I pray that whatever the future holds for my son, that he knows he's an amazingly unique human being who is capable and intelligent and (most importantly) loved so very much.

Maintaining for Life

This. Is. Hard.
This is SO much harder than I ever imagined..  I have spent the last few months struggling to stay where I am.. and, I'm going to be honest, I'm not doing a very good job of it.

Ten months ago, December 10th 2013 to be exact, I began my second journey with Weight Watchers.  I had mental focus, I had a room full of support, I had tools in my hands again.. and I lost.  I lost 38 pounds.  Thirty. Eight. Pounds.  I reached my goal over the summer and achieved Lifetime status July 15th 2014.
I Did It!  I had finally accomplished the very thing that I'd convinced myself was impossible.
And suddenly I found myself in a new place on this journey.. a place where I no longer needed to put my focus on losing weight, but where I just needed to stay were I was at.. and I'm finding myself struggling.

It's a scary thing to feel lost after finally reaching a goal that had eluded me for so many years.  It's scary to get compliments on my appearance when I know my food-focus is such a mess right now.    It's scary to get on the scale and see it moving in the 'wrong' direction after so much work, so much dedication, so much effort.. It's scary to know those feelings of doubt and discouragement are trying to creep back into my head.  It's scary to realize that those bad habits and who-cares attitude keep trying to take root again..

It's scary.
And I'm stronger now.
And I'm not going to let the fear and insecurity beat me.
I am refocusing.. again.  I've recommitted several times since July.  Many Mondays have come and gone.. many mornings of focus and evenings of chaos.  And what I need to realize is that this 'struggle' is really just LIFE.  This 'struggle' doesn't have to be a struggle at all.. just me living a healthy life and making healthy choices.  And if there is anything I need to remember about the last ten months.. it's that I CAN live a healthy life and make healthy choices.

I. Can.
So, as of today, I'm finding a new focus point.
I'm going to focus on being happy and living IN the moment.
I'm going to focus on being healthy and loving my imperfect self for all of the amazing things I am able to do.
I'm going to focus on forgiving myself for failures and realizing that not every mistake means that I failed.
I'm going to focus on the positive moments.. no matter how small the positive moment may be.
I'm going to focus on being present in the now instead of rushing around and missing the little things my life is offering me.
I'm going to focus on love and laughter and joy.

I am not going to let doubt get me down.
I'm not going to let my insecurities sway my focus.
I am not going to listen to that part of me that says "you can't do this." because I know that I already did it.

I. Already. Did. It.
And I am not going back to where I was ten months ago.. I am stronger now.

November 2013                                                          May 2014

Actions.. Reactions.. and Taking Ownership

This morning.. oh, this morning.. to say it was a 'bad morning' is a total understatement.  It all started with a pan of scrambled eggs, and it ended with screaming and snide comments and even a few tears.  We were screaming over scrambled eggs.. He had more.  She was being mean.  She took MY eggs.  He wouldn't stop.  Eggs.  Scrambled eggs unevenly scooped on three plates..

There is a family, a friend of my cousin, who will spend today saying goodbye to their little boy.  Today they bury their months-old baby.. SIDS is suspected as the cause.  Suddenly, with no warning, with no explanation, their son was gone.

And we were screaming over scrambled eggs this morning.

I would LOVE to say that here is where my level head prevailed.  I would love to say that I calmly stayed out of it and let them figure it out.  I would even love to say that I rationally guided them so they could find a solution. I would LOVE to say those things.. but I can't.  I'm quite ashamed to say that I completely lost my temper, on this the fifth morning of the new school year, and joined them in the screaming.  This mom.. *sigh* This mom was screaming with her children over eggs this morning..  I told my thirteen year old and my nine year old that they were acting like toddlers.. but what I didn't say was that I was acting like a child too.
They ate and glared and muttered things under their breath.. I rushed around trying to finish getting myself ready for the day.. We hurried out the door and off to school.. No "I Love You"s were said.. No "Have a Great day!" or "See you later"s  or even HUGS.. Nothing.. I dropped them off and left.

And another family is preparing to bury their little boy.

This morning I failed myself.. but more importantly I failed my children.  I did the Exact opposite of what I TELL them, what I try every day to teach them.. I undermined myself with my ACTIONS.  How on earth can I expect them to react in a calm and rational manner.. when I can't even do that myself?

Small Town, America

This is my town.  This is where my husband grew up, where I have lived for the last eleven years, where my children are growing up..
Families walk the path around the park by the river, and children laugh and play.
Dogs are walked. Friends get together.
Kids on bikes are easily found after school and during the summer.
Neighbors help with pets when needed, bring in the mail, watch the house.
We have lunch with friends, go fishing, picnic in the park, catch a movie at the theater, work and shop downtown, send flowers to those we love.
Our children play softball and soccer, football and participate on the swim team, attend school with friends and go to sleepovers.
This is my town. Our town.

This is Home.
My daughter dances at the local dance center.
My oldest son rides his bike across town to the pool with his friends.
My youngest son digs in the dirt and finds bugs in our yard.
My husbands parents live across the street from us.
This. Is. Home.

This is also the place where a murder/arson trial has been in session for the last two weeks.  I'll admit that I've been following the live feed from the courthouse, which is just down the street from my office.  The home where a young mother lost her life is just down the street in another direction.  I did not know the family, but did know of them.  My husband knows her husband.  I know that two little boys are motherless.  I cannot imagine what the family members are going through, what they have been going through for the last two years.  I pray that I never have to know.
I listen to the court proceedings, and I am saddened.  I am heartbroken for the boys and for the young mother's family and friends.  I am in disbelief that this tragedy happened here.. here in my little town.  We've been thrust into the national spotlight.. and this trial is all the reporters show about our town.

And I go home to my husband and to my two boys and to my girl.  I see my friends and neighbors, everything that makes this town my home.  I drive the streets of this town and know that we are so much more than this trial.  We are everything I mentioned above, and we are So much more.

Just a Closer Walk with Thee

There is a woman I've known since I was in fifth grade.  She introduced me to the clarinet and later to the oboe.  She opened the door for an opportunity to be a part of something musically beautiful, and I will be forever thankful for that.  She was there as I, and my classmates, grew and discovered.  She was my band teacher.. but she was always so much more. She was, and is even more now, a friend, a mentor, an inspiration.
I can honestly say that my favorite place to be through high school was on the couch in her office.  It was a safe place for my friends and me to be, a place of comfort so much deeper than those worn cushions.  She understood us as so much more than students. There, among the sheet music and reeds, I felt so at home, so welcomed.  We talked and laughed, discussed and learned about things beyond textbooks, we prayed. Her faith was apparent to me then, and it inspires me now.
God only gives you what you can handle.
You've probably heard it, you've probably said it.. I know I have.  Many times over the last year I have wondered Just how much one person, one family can handle.
She's been through a lot. And, not just her.. but her family also.  She has faced so many challenges and faced them with strength and courage and faith.  I'm sure, as anyone who is human would, she's doubted and she's been afraid and she's broken down.. But, she never lets it get her down for long.  She comes back stronger and more determined and with more faith and trust in God.  She shows me how to let go of my worry, if only for a little while, and trust that everything will work out as it needs to.  When I find myself struggling with the little petty problems in my life, I think of her.  And I say a little prayer.. a prayer for her and her family..

I am weak, but Thou art strong;
Jesus, keep me from all wrong;
I’ll be satisfied as long
As I walk, let me walk close to Thee.

Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

I truly believe that God brings people into our lives for a reason.  People to help us along this road of life, to help us grow, to walk with us.  I am blessed to call my band teacher my Friend.  I'm so very glad to have her in my life.  I am a better person because I know her.

Taking Life One Tic at a Time

It has happened.  I knew better than to even wish it.. but I did it anyway.
I wished the tic away.
And, it is going away.  Only to be replaced, as I knew it would.. and the new tic is, well, new.

For those of you who don't know my son, he has Tourette Syndrome. He has Tourette's. No, he doesn't yell obscenities at random moments. Yes, he does repeatedly make noises (vocal tics), and he repeatedly does little things like turn his head back and forth, flex certain muscles, jump, or blink in a big way (motor tics). Sometimes the tics are hardly noticeable.. except for me. I see them all. Sometimes, like now, the tics make a much bigger presence in our life.

Back to that wish that I knew I shouldn't have made..
I'm thankful the painful throat-clearing tic is passing. I'm fearful of what his new tic could cause him emotionally.. It's not a 'grunt' really, but kind of is.. And, this one is the loudest one to make an appearance. He's had some troubles with other kids. That trouble was with the  milder tics. This momma is scared for her boy.
Have I done enough to assure him that he's perfect, tics and all?
Have I helped him to grow in confidence so he can have the strength to get through this?

My advice to my son when he encounters someone new or someone who just doesn't understand is always to stay calm and explain. I'm planning to give my first speech in y.e.a.r.s. to his sixth grade class. I'm not going to lie, I get nervous just thinking about it. But, it's time, and I'm going to do it.

Tourette Syndrome is an inherited neurological disorder that causes a person to 'tic' involuntarily and repetitively. It is not contagious. It affects boys more often than girls, and children typically start 'ticing' in early childhood, some sources say around the age of seven. My son started ticing when he was three. We just didn't know what was going on at the time.. We just thought our little boy liked to jump.. a Lot. His preschool teacher first suggested Tourette Syndrome as a possibility after noticing things during the few hours a day she had him in class. The tics are caused by a misfire in the brain and can vary from mild to very severe, simple to complex, they wax and wane, and new tics mix in with familiar ones. From what I have heard from our neurologist and others with Tourette's, we can expect tics to increase through puberty and possibly decrease in adulthood to the point where most won't notice the tics at all (which is my hope for my boy). It's the next several years to work through first.
Tourette Syndrome Awareness month is coming up, May 15 - June 15. I am getting a jump on spreading awareness, I wish I had done more over the last several years. As I explain to my son, you can't get angry at someone who doesn't understand. It is our job to spread the information and to correct mis-information.

If you'd like, you can read about our Months of Mad when we decided that we were going to try managing our everyday withOut medication.

For more information about Tourette Syndrome, you can visit the Tourette Syndrome Association.